That Dreadful Wednesday

On that Wednesday morning I was awakened at 3:30am by a crying 2-year-old. After helping her get settled, I lay back in bed & realized I wasn't feeling Cullen move & didn't remember him having an active time the evening before, which he usually did. I thought he was probably sleeping, but prayed for even the tiniest movement to calm my fears. I never felt him move, but I was having contractions every 10 min for about an hour & 1/2.  We had a very busy day Tuesday, so I thought I probably just hadn't noticed him between work, kid's dr appt, practice, meetings, etc. Plus, I was thinking I would probably be going into labor soon, so I figured I was just more focused on my contractions than his movements. I finally fell back to sleep for a bit, but the next morning I still wasn't feeling any movement. I had my 38 week appt scheduled for 11:00 that day. I called the office & asked if I should wait until then or if I needed to come in earlier. They told me to come as soon as I could, so we called Wes's mom to come stay with the kids. I told Wes I thought I'd take my bag I had packed just in case (more bc of the contractions I'd been having than anything).  I was nervous, but still just had not even considered the possibility that he was gone. When we got to the doctor's office, they took us right back & started my ultrasound. She put the transducer on my belly & a very clear picture of his still heart appeared on the monitor. She moved it & came back to the same image. I said "there's no heartbeat, is there?" The tech stood up & said, "I'll get the doctor."  And so began the worst day of our lives. The doctor offered to let us go home & come back the next day, but we both just wanted to get this nightmare over with. So he walked us upstairs where they induced my labor. Cullen was born at 4:07 pm and weighed 5 lb 15 oz.  He looked like a combination of Austin and Kate.  He had Wes’s big toe and the Ruttmann little toe that curls under the one next to it.  Wes’s parents said he had the Peek nose.  He had long skinny fingers and a scratch on the side of his nose.  He looked perfect, as did his cord & placenta. The dr's best guess is that it happened quickly that night, given that there was no degradation of his skin or other changes.  There are many tests being done looking for answers which we may never get. Most of our families were able to be there & meet & hold Cullen after he was born. My doctor and nurse were both fantastic. We were able to hold Cullen as long as we wanted & see him anytime throughout the night. We were discharged the next morning & drove home empty-handed to deliver the news to our children. We've spent the last 3 weeks learning how to live our lives as we previously knew it, but now with a hole that will always be there.